


Going backward

by sihaiya



Series: Maybe [6]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Multi, eruri established relationship, hints of erejean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 02:52:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5611117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sihaiya/pseuds/sihaiya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometime you need to take a step back to move forward.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Going backward

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sciencefictioness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sciencefictioness/gifts).



> I’m gifting this to [sciencefictioness](http://sciencefictioness.tumblr.com/) who’s not the first to rec my fics, but surely the more persistent one. Thanks for it, knowing you like and recommend my stuff gave me the drive to finish this project of mine no matter what.

When Jean finds Eren sitting alone by the shore he's not surprised, no more at least. By now it has become a habit for him to just stay there in the sunset, barely touched by the waves, letting the ocean wash away it all.

In times like these Jean is always unsure about what to say to make it better, or even what to say at all, but today is different and it takes him only a sigh before finding the guts to approach him, leaving his spot on a nearby sand hill and trying not to feel like a creep after he had stared at the sad and beautiful view for surely more than a couple of minutes.

Eren doesn't notice the soft sound of his steps moving the sand, too much lost in his thoughts to really give attention to his surroundings. It started months ago, when they reached the ocean for the first time, a subtle sensation of being out of place, and then it grew up into something darker and suffocating, the deep knowledge of having forgotten how to live like a mere human, the crawling restlessness of not knowing who he is now that his rage has subsided, now that he doesn't have a cause anymore, now that the only thing he's required to do is simply to live the life he'd want... if he only knew it what he wanted.

It's the solid and warm weight of another back leaning into his one that takes him back to reality, a weight he has learned to know so well that it doesn't startle him, rather it actually gives him some kind of comfort.

They remain silent for a while, basking in the dying sun, but in the end Jean breaks the moment of apparent peace, his back still on Eren's, not yet facing the ocean, not yet facing the other.

"Hanji sent me to you as your Squad Leader, but I'm actually here as..." He stops, wondering not for the first time where they stand after all that happened. As your friend? Your fuck buddy? Your lover? Jean doesn't know, he never did, but now it's the worst time to mull about it, so he decides for the simplest of the truths. "...as me."

Eren doesn't reply at first, but then he's leaning back, his head touching the other's before resting on one of his shoulders. "Hanji's right. It's time for me to go." He states with a tone of finality, and Jean swears that he should have been totally blind to still think about him as someone dense as a stone. He could have been like that before, but time passed by and they're both grown up in more than a way.

"You've been granted an indefinite permission to leave. From now on you'll can go wherever it pleases you with the Legion's approval and eventually rejoin the Scouts whether it will be what you'll want." Jean knows he's sounding formal and detached and he hates it, but there's no easy way to say what it will probably lead to a final farewell, so he tries to compensate turning towards the other and enclosing him in his arms, his chin rested on Eren's shoulder, his eyes lost in the endless waves in front of them.

Eren doesn't say anything, he simply lets himself to be gently embraced to the point that Jean cannot stand the silence anymore.

"I suppose it was predictable, we've always been mismatched after all." He doesn't want to sound bitter, so he opts for sarcasm, always the easiest one.

"You just had to be a jerk and spit on what we had, don't you?"

Eren's words are light and playful, but what surprises Jean is how right seems to his ears his use of the past. Had. Like if it was bound to have an expiring date. In some ways it's like he always knew it and probably this is the reason he never asked what they were. And now he can't manage to force himself to feel sad or angry about it, rather he nuzzles his cheek deeper in Eren's neck and if it's to conceal a fond smile no one has to know it.

"You better be careful out there you suicidal idiot." He mutters on his skin before getting up and drawing out from his jacket a rolled parchment. "Hanji said you need to read this, I'm not sure if they're good news so I'll do it before leaving..."

He doesn't add anything else, he knows there's nothing left to say and that he cannot really think about stopping the natural force that Eren is. All his friends by now knew about his restlessness, if not about its causes, and all agreed that if he left it would maybe be for the better and that if in the end he decided to return back it would be by his decision only.

"See you." He adds in the end, maybe more hopeful than the disinterested he had aimed for, leaving the other exactly where he found him before, with the ocean washing the tips of his feet and the red sky painting his tanned skin.

###

Hanji's parchment doesn't contain anything he and Armin hadn't already figured out by themselves, with Eren's nose bleedings never really ceasing, even after the loss of his powers. The results of the last experiments are not something they can be sure about, but the reality is that the use of his titan has slowly worn out his body and that, even if he's barely twenty, no one can guess how long he still has to live.

While proceeding north on his horse, a mere small bag containing his belongings with him, Eren wonders if it's maybe that one the thing that made him finally decide to leave, if maybe it's been the knowledge of not having any more time to waste that spurred him into this journey towards he doesn't know what, at least not yet. He still remembers the lesson and he doesn't want to have any regret, he doesn't want for all to end before he figured out what he's going to do with the life he has earned for himself at such a high costs.

Having lost his shifting abilities, it's years by now he's no longer feared nor somehow special, however he's neither anonymous like some common man, 'cause his face is still well known all around, and this makes him question if he could really aspire for a common life with a common job. The fact is that he joined the military when he was still a child and only recently he realized he has only known that kind of life and that, aside from some high level combat skills, he doesn't really has any kind of specialization or competence he could use to live a life outside the military itself.

It was when he understood it that he also finally understood why the night of their victory Captain Levi seemed so lost, probably feeling some of the same things that are now haunting him.

It's following this train of thoughts that he also realize another thing, a more practical one: since he had been forcefully taken into the Legion's custody and he hadn't joined it like it would normally happen, he had never received a salary of his own, meaning he doesn't have a lot of savings to pay for his needs once he'll be back to the Walls. It's not like he cares, but when he planned his return and his first stop at Shiganshina he hadn't considered it at all. At the thought of it he starts giggling, 'cause he can clearly hear in his head Jean's voice mocking him and his one track mind and when his little fit comes to an end he finds himself smiling fondly at the knowledge that no one really changes, even after bulking up into a more calm and reflexive adult.

In the end he decides to head to the cabin of his former superiors. The place is near the Walls and he's pretty sure they're not going to refuse him a couple of days of hospitality until he can figure out how to proceed. This and... well, now that he has some more years on his shoulders he knows he's been a bit unfair to them, leaving too much unsaid and open, so he's maybe also seeking for closure, wanting to start this journey in search for himself without aftermaths from the past.

He's sure by now that he had for them quite the crush and he's also pretty sure about having gone beyond it, but if the events are offering him a chance to verify it, who is he to refuse it?

###

He had thought it would be awkward and in a way it is, with the two figures waiting for him standing side by side in the distance, almost like they were expecting his arrive. It's awkward, a lot if he has to be honest, because he wasn't prepared to face them like this, but at the same time he's too much distracted to really care, too much focused on staring at them while he's closing the distance between him and the cabin to even start thinking about what to say.

Things changed in four years without him imaging it, they changed so much that from afar he had barely recognized his former superiors. What first catches his eyes and makes him wonder if he reached for the wrong place is their hairstyle. If Erwin is possibly more serious and intimidating than before with the buzzcut he's wearing, Levi's long ponytail a bit tinged with grey is so unexpected that Eren is not sure what to think about it. What comes as a shock however is the cane Levi is using to support part of his weight, meaning his injury is not healed at all. He hadn't realized he's been not the only one aging during these years, not until now, and while the notion takes place inside his mind some quiet melancholy creeps its way into his heart, making it ache for something he's not sure he's able to understand.

Never being a thinker and not wanting to mull anymore on what he's feeling, Eren dismounts as soon as he reaches them, a little grin spreading his lips despite his total unawareness about how carrying this meeting on.

"Hi." He simply states, stopping his fist from reaching for the heart maybe one moment too late to let it pass unnoticed, still unsure about how to treat the two who once had his life in their hands and that now are nothing more than some older peers.

"It's good to see you back." Erwin's reply is soft, but his lips are stretched in a warm smile and this is enough for Eren to know he's still welcome and to calm his nerves.

"Hadn't thought you could get a shittier cut." Levi's words are barely muttered, but since he has reached for him to catch the reins from his hand they're pretty clear and make him chuckle.

Once he has stopped giggling, Eren scratches his undercut, eyes lost for a moment ahead of him, a little fond smile on his lips. "It's Jean's work, he said that it suited me since I have the bad habit to swear almost as much as you."

His words gain him a knowing look from Erwin and a snort from Levi, but the matter seems forgotten when the first asks him if he already knows how much time he intend to spend at the cabin. It's in front of a cup of tea, after having tended to his horse, that Eren explains a bit about his project to return to Shiganshina, where all started, not really going into explaining the reasons why, maybe because they're still unclear to him too.

They don't press him further, they don't ask more than what he's willing to tell and by evening it's almost like he's never been away from the cabin, the old routines never entirely forgotten and so easy and reassuring to slip into.

###

They spend in the old way more than a couple of weeks. Every day Eren think it's about time to stop abusing of the hospitality he has received and every day something changes his mind, be it the roof to fix, the need to help Levi going to buy some groceries in the nearest village or one of the million little things that happen to require the attention of someone.

Eren sees it like a way to repay them and so he doesn't start to fret when he realizes it's almost been a month. What he realizes, instead, is that even if they live together Erwin and Levi seem often to pass most of their time alone.

It's in one of those moments, when they're nowhere to be seen, with Erwin who headed out early in the morning for a hike and Levi who is probably in the nearest village tavern pretending to drink while he's in fact listening to the elder tales watching the kids playing outside, that he decides to clean and reorganize the garret. It's not like Erwin could do it with only one arm and Levi is never going to admit it, but stairs, especially the ladder ones, are becoming more and more a hassle for his ankle, so who could be better than him for the task?

At the start it goes smoothly, but when he finds some old sketchbooks in a box curiosity wins him and he settles himself near the only small window of the room with his newfound treasure, knowing Erwin's talent for drawing and determined to enjoy it.

It comes to his mind that maybe it's not been a great idea when he takes randomly one of them and he finds himself drafted on the paper. There are not completed sketches, they're all roughly outlined, but it's clearly him on his days as a new addition to the Legion. In some of them he's shirtless, training against a dummy, in others there's only his face, mostly set in a determined scowl, taken from different angles.

At first it gives him the creeps, but then he remembers the time Levi told him he was pretty sure Erwin was reciprocating his feelings. His hosts had never hinted at that infamous night, the one he almost confessed to feel he didn't know what for the both of them, so he had thought it was something in the past, something not so important that he didn't need to dig up again, but now he's not so sure anymore about it. He passes some minutes thinking about Erwin, about how much time he must had dedicated to those drafts without him noticing it, and the thought he maybe wasn't the only one pining like a dumb teen makes him smile with fondness.

In the end, spurred on by an uncomfortable sense of finality he puts away the sketchbook to start with the first of the pile, perhaps hoping to give more sense to the actual situation they're in by examining them in chronological order. It doesn't help. If possible it makes things worse, more awkward too.

The firsts are all about the Legion, mostly portraits, with an exponential increase of Levi's presence near the end. What he doesn't expect to find are other kind of Levi's drawings. In one he's naked except for what seem lacy pants and thigh highs, in another he's completely bare, hard and dripping, his wrists tied at the headboard of a bed with some harness straps. The quality of the details is amazing and Eren isn't sure if what is unsettling him more is the tension he's feeling growing in his lower half or the awareness that Levi must have willingly posed for them, 'cause imagining his former superior like that goes far beyond any of his teenage fantasies.

It doesn't last long though. It's enough to open one of the more recent ones to easily forget what he has seen till now. The lines are unsure, probably drafted on the paper by a trembling hand not used to the task. The contents are unclear, confused, but blood and gore are the obvious theme of most of the sketches, that and the titans, often portrayed in the act of devouring or dismembering someone. Is that Mike? Eren is not sure about it, but he starts to feel so uncomfortable that he has to close the sketchbook.

It goes on like that more than he hoped for but finally in the last one Eren finds what he's used to see Erwin draw, nature and animals. It's only now that he realizes he has never seen him depict people before today and this thought makes something bitter and heavy sink into his stomach. It's only now that occurs to him that maybe his former superiors are not so contented and happy now that the war is over. He always thought they was, with their choice to settle down together, but maybe they're feeling much lonelier than they pretended to be, maybe they're just hiding and running away. Just like him.

###

Eren is able to rein himself only for a few more days. He could have changed physically, he could have become more reflexive, but he still has to do something about what he feels like unfair and keeping seeing his companions rotting in the cabin while he now knows what lays beneath is not something he can do for a long time.

And it's not like he has started to feel suffocating now that he knows that he's been procrastinating too, now that he had realized he's throwing away the time he has in the deceptive lullaby of a reliable routine. No, it's all a matter of righteousness, and now that he has a cause again he's not going to give up.

Things start to go downhill one evening, while they're resting in the living room, Erwin reading and Levi knitting just like almost any other day. Eren knows he could let it be, he knows they could end the night as usual, falling asleep on the couch in a messy pile until Levi has enough of the claustrophobic space they tend to leave him and kick them awake to go to properly sleep. It feels good, they fit together pretty well in this simple life, but by now this whatever is scratching the back of his mind for too long and he's itching to do something.

"Does ever happen to you to get bored of your reclusion?" He asks in the end after putting some new wood in the fireplace. "I mean, I know for sure the village needs a new teacher and you'd be perfect Erwin..." He goes on, mulling about it himself too, still not fully understanding even after years why they refuse to be at least a bit social in their retirement. "And Levi you should totally make a business out of your knitting, the stuff you make is so pretty..."

His words hang in the air, almost echoing in the silence that follows them.

"Not interested."

The only answer Eren receives, in the end, are two muttered words from Levi, who doesn't even lift his head from his work to look at him. It was some time he didn't flare this way, and when he slams his hand on the table it's so liberating it makes him shiver.

"You're running away, not interested my balls." He spits with fervor. "You've spent more than five years holed up in here running away from what you are and now you're both miserable!"

"If I'd wish a sermon I'd hang out with the last wallists left in Sina."

Levi's dismissive tone makes him see red and he's about to explode more than he already had when Erwin's calm voice interrupts their banter.

"Right now I'm more interested in why you holed up yourself in here… again."

"This is not about me, I'm here just passing through."

"And still are months." He adds, trying to sound reasonable, probably not wanting to trigger Eren's rage again. "You're young, resourceful and you arrived here saying you were searching for your new life and still you chose to spend your time with two sad and broken relic of the past."

There's something in Erwin's tone that breaks Eren's heart, obtaining the effect of freezing his furor in a matter of moments. He can't lie to this, not to himself nor to them.

"I'm dying." He whispers, trying to overcome the knot in his throat. "I don't know how much time I still have, my titan wore my body out, it's hopeless."

There's an unnatural pause in the conversation after his words, a heavy silence stagnating between them that lasts for what seems ages.

"We know." It's Levi's voice that breaks it, shattering with it also the few certainties left to him.

"You… what?"

Levi sighs, finally putting down his work to dedicate his entire attention to him. "Hanji kept us up to date, about the explorations, about the new technological discoveries, about you."

Eren stands in silence for a moment, his eyes shifting between the two of them, his mouth opening and closing without emitting a sound more than once. In the end what he manages to get out is a single word.

"Why?"

It's still Levi who answers with a grumpy mutter, while Erwin has become motionless, like some kind of critter caught by someone passing by in the middle of the road, or maybe like a predator silently waiting for his prey, Eren is not sure which one and he doesn't know what he'd prefer.

"We care, we always cared, more than it was appropriate to be honest."

"But why not saying anything?"

Levi sighs again, but when he's about to reply he's interrupted by Erwin. "You arrived saying you were only passing by and we thought you were just making a brief bath in the past before going in search of your new life..." He explains, his eyes fixed on the fire before turning them to him, a tired grimace on his features. "But you stayed. You stayed and gave us hope… again."

"Letting you go the first time it's been hard… the second one? Now that I can be a selfish son of a bitch I wasn't planning to." Levi huffs and then he resumes his knitting work, avoiding the others' gaze, the tips of his ears redder than the fire's light.

It takes Eren more than a couple of moments to catch the full weight of it all and once he's done he doesn't know what to say. They thought he had decided to stay. They hoped he had decided to do it and maybe later to fulfill what he had said that infamous night. The truth however is that he started thinking again about them in that way only before his discovery of Erwin's sketchbooks so he doesn't know yet what he feels or maybe he's not ready to admit it to himself. The truth is that Erwin is right. In this brand new world, with its run to hoard the new territories and the euphoria of freedom, he doesn't feel like he have a place, he's just a relic from the past, a past no one wants really to remember, sometimes not even himself.

Eren doesn't notice how he's slowly dropped on the floor, his head caught in his hands, and doesn't notice how Erwin and Levi silently retire for the night. He doesn't even notice the moment when the fire shuts down, leaving him in the darkness, alone with his darker thoughts.

###

The next morning Levi and Erwin find him in the kitchen. Eren serves them pancakes and some freshly brewed tea and once they're all settled at the table he takes a deep breath, the one they both learned to know as the prelude to one of his rants.

"I thought about it all night." He starts, picking at his food without even looking at it, his eyes locked on them. "You think you don't deserve it. I mean… this freedom, this new life."

Levi huffs, derisive. "Let me guess, you think we're wrong."

"Don't interrupt me." Eren almost starts yelling, he needs all his willpower not to and he takes another breath to calm down before starting again. "I don't care what you think about this mess. I have to tell you what I decided and then, only then, I'll care for your opinion."

This seems to take Levi aback 'cause he looks at Erwin like he's searching for guidance and when the other shrugs he sighs before returning his attention to Eren.

"We're listening."

"You already know why I'm here and not with the Legion, so let's skip to the end. I thought I could maybe have a common life, something peaceful, but the truth is that in these months I was able to only because there were you to make it bearable. I'm not fitted for this settling down crap, it makes me restless, like some really annoying itch I cannot scratch.

I always wanted freedom, I wanted to see the world out there and I did it but you know what? The Legion is not the same without you two, damn not even seeing the world is the same without you two."

Eren pauses just to take breath, a little blush painting his cheeks but fierce determination sparkling in his eyes. "I think _you_ think you've done too many bad things to deserve a new life, well it's bullshit. And even if it's not then do something to atone for fucks sake! You could help and make things better in so many ways that the only thought drives me crazy.

Anyway. I'm leaving. Tomorrow I'll pack up and I'll return to the Legion outmost camp, 'cause in the end seeing this new world it's the one thing I really like to do and who cares if I'm doing it for the nobles' interests, it's still what I want. And damn they're my family and I don't want to die away from them, it was stupid for me to think I could do otherwise.

The point is: come with me. I want to show you what you made possible for all of us to see, I want to tell you about all the stuff we learned, I want to discover with you even more things."

Eren pauses again and this time his silence has a shade of finality. "I'll wait for your decision over there..." He stands up and then distractedly hints to the living room. "I know you have to talk about it since you're together..."

"We're not." It's Levi again the one interrupting him and again Eren remain open mouthed in front of him, unable to find a single word for some long awkward moments.

"You're not." He deadpans in the end, searching for Erwin eyes and his help to understand.

Erwin shrugs, brushing his hand against Levi's for an instant before sighing. "It's complicated. We're not right now but we've been in the past, on and off along the years, and probably we'll be the same in the future, the fact is that we're not always good for each other, even together we still miss something." He explains, searching for Levi's eyes like if he's searching for some sort of consent. It's only once the other nods that Erwin starts again, this time with more determination, every sign of bitterness disappeared from his voice. "I think you perfectly know what we'd need to fully work, you've seen it in act during these months. And if until now it wasn't clear enough let me stress this out once and for all: you don't have to ask if we want to be part of your life, 'cause the answer will always be a yes."

Eren stays silent only a couple of moments before his lips stretch in a wide grin. "I hoped for you to say it, the journey back alone would be boring without you two."

This manages to make Erwin smile with fondness, but Levi is still serious, his hands clenched together, his eyes casted down to them. "Does your invite to come with you mean..." He has to clear his throat before going on and the sight of him in such a vulnerable state is so unusual for Eren that he has to stop himself to reach for one of his hands. "Does it mean that what you said that night is still true, that you feel something for us and want the three of us to be more than whatever the fuck we are now?"

Eren grins again and a glint of mischievousness and playfulness makes his eyes sparkle.

"Maybe."

**Author's Note:**

> First thing first I want to thank all who resisted till this last installment and followed me in this eruriren journey, you kudos and your comments are what made me able to finish this.
> 
> Then, when I first started thinking about this last step of the series I had thought about a multichaptered fic with each chapter following the prompts of eruriren week. As you can see I’m almost a year late and in the end I gave up the idea and turned this into a oneshot (too much time is passed and the entire thing morphed in my head too much to be different from what is now). Anyway I’m pretty satisfied with the result, even with the ending being more open than I had thought at the start and even without adding the smut I had planned (sorry not sorry, I felt like the smut was out of place). So, well, thanks again for being with me.
> 
> And last but not least have some links to the fanart that inspired our dorks new hairstyles: [Eren](http://sihaiya.tumblr.com/post/119342409640/), [Levi](http://sihaiya.tumblr.com/post/105088019960), [Erwin](http://sihaiya.tumblr.com/post/124743234755/).


End file.
